note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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