I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
