Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
