I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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