Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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