You really coming over, don't trick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
