I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
