I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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