Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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