I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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