Just cropdusted the office
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
