she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
