the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
