im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
