Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
