OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
