3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
