Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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