Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dicks are not precious.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
