YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
