omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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