I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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