This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
