I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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