fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
my poor anus
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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