I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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