the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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