I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize