quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
