He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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