Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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