Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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