On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
