I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
