I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
