My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Too much gin, very little bucket
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
