You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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