awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
