remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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