there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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