He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
