Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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