all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
