I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
