I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Is it because I queefed?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
