In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize