Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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