piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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