it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
