Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
