i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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