did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I supernannyed him into submission
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
