hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
