So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
