I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Say something about gay babies.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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