Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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