Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
