I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
