I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
