Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
