just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
