Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize