I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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