The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize