I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
