i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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