I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
