P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
