drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
