Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
