Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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