she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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